What Does it Mean to be Lonely?

“Loneliness is not just about being alone,” says consultant psychiatrist Dr. Balu and Mental Health Advisor to Cannaray. “It’s about a lack of connection, and it can sometimes stem from or cause common mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression. People experiencing panic attacks, post traumatic stress disorder and a lack of control can often feel lonely, as they get the sense that nobody else understands them.”

Similarly, prolonged feelings of loneliness may lead to those same, common mental health problems. “We’re all social beings,” says Dr. Balu. “We need human contact to feel connected, and if that doesn’t happen, it turns into more stress, which can trigger other negative emotions.”

So, how might you manage loneliness? Here, Dr. Balu reveals seven steps to take if you’re feeling lonely…

1. Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings

The first step to managing loneliness is to acknowledge that you feel lonely. It’s an uncomfortable admission, and one that you may be tempted to push down by filling your schedule with work or Zoom calls. While keeping busy can sometimes help, pretending that nothing is wrong will not, as it means you may engage in behaviours that further your feelings of isolation – such as stressing over deadlines.

“Once you start accepting that you’re lonely, you look at connecting,” explains Dr Balu. “Lack of connection is the most common driver of loneliness. I’ve had patients who have been with a group of people or with a big family, and still felt lonely. This happens with general loneliness, and it could be due to many reasons. The sooner you recognise these feelings, the sooner you will start to identify the cause.”

2. Connect with Others

If a lack of connection is cause for your loneliness, it makes sense that reaching out to others is important. Tell loved ones how you feel, making purposeful, honest contact with the people who understand you most. However, don’t see this as a tick-box exercise. “Telling yourself you have to make 20 calls per day, or berating yourself for not picking up the phone will make you more stressed. As will speaking to people who aren’t supportive,” adds Dr. Balu.

If you don’t feel ready to open up to people you know, there are a host of support groups that help you make friends and build connections within your local community, such as Next Door and MeetUpMondays. Book clubs, running groups and volunteering also help you meet new people, forming bonds based on common interests.

3. Connect with Yourself

Connecting with yourself is crucial to managing loneliness, too. “Do not hesitate to express yourself. Many people feel lonely because they are not confident, they have a fear of being judged, they have been let down in the past and they have trust issues,” says Dr. Balu.

“It’s very important to be able to express oneself. If you’re not able to express yourself in words to somebody else, you can be creative. Try drawing, writing or singing for yourself. This is very important, because once you start expressing how you feel, you start getting that connection going – both with yourself and with others.”

4. Have Self Compassion

“Self-compassion is important, so don’t be hard on yourself,” urges Dr. Balu. “When you put extra pressure on yourself – worrying about deadlines, for example – you put yourself in a bubble, where you can end up feeling more alone. It’s about having the perspective to say ‘it’s okay, I’m doing okay’.”

A big part of having self-compassion is embracing self-care. Whether that's giving yourself a relaxing CBD massage or taking your vitamins each night, make sure you're making time to look after your mind and body.

5. Put Social Media into Perspective

Instagram can be an invaluable tool for connecting you with people around the world. However, it’s a highlight reel; a place where people show the best parts of their day, and tend to edit out the bad. If you find yourself comparing your life to someone’s Stories, and feel lonelier as a result, try limiting your time on social media. You can even add time limits on your smartphone,

“One thing I ask my patients is, ‘Are you using social media to enhance your life? Or are you letting social media control and distress your life?’” says Dr. Balu. “If you are inspired by the posts you see or you’re using social media to connect with somebody, that’s a good thing.” However, if you find you experience negative emotions after scrolling, it may be time to take a step back.

Dr P Balu

Dr Balu is a Consultant Psychiatrist and scientific advisor to Cannaray specialising in mental health disorders including anxiety, depression, stress and addiction.